Dating Service Questionnaire
by Mitsugi
Summary: The boys face some **personal** questions...but can they handle the answers? A little light humor resulting from a Skittles overdose. =^_^= 1x2, 3x4, 5xSP, implied yaoi


A.N. May 16, 2001 - Yes, it's true, a friend found some spelling mistakes in this and I just couldn't let them slide. Thanx, Saria! =P TONS of thanks to everyone who's made me feel so welcome my first couple of months here! You guys n' gals are the greatest! =D ...OH YEAH! IMPORTANT!...well, not VITALLY important, but kinda neat...check out my webpage for art, notes, and news on my upcoming fics! *gently nudges readers in the direction of her page* =^_^=  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own GW...*cries*...but if I DID own it, things would be SO different, but then again if "ifs and buts" were candy and nuts, we'd all weigh 300 pounds, so there. =P  
  
CONTENT: 1x2, 3x4, 5xSP, implied yaoi, implied...well...lots of stuff...*blush* It might start out a little strange, but stick with it--it gets awesome! Some of these are real questions asked by dating services...ur...don't ask how I know that, k? =*_*=  
  
SCENE: The G-Boyz are seated in separate chairs, in front of a large, expensive-looking oak desk. Seated at the desk is a questionnaire lady, not unlike myself. =^_^= Looking over the desk, the lady notes that her guests are seated in the following order, from left to right: Trowa, Quatre, Heero, Duo, and Wufei. Since the office normally only has four extra chairs in it, a spare was brought in from the storage room--it has one wobbly leg. Wufei is sitting in this chair.  
  
STORY: Some cruel person (most likely the authoress) has required that all five pilots should sign up with an international dating service, so that otakus everywhere might have a shot at them. Each of them reacted differently to the idea, but through careful intimidation, they have all been brought to the office to fill out their applications and jump into the single's scene with both feet.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
LADY: Well, Gentlemen, I must say I'm surprised to see you all here...and sitting still, as well.  
DUO: *sporting a wide grin* We aim to please.  
HEERO & WUFEI: *glare viciously at Duo for dragging them out to do something remotely fun*  
LADY: Now then, we'll get started with the questionnaire as soon as we clear up some, er...problems with your application forms. *opens a file folder with five application forms in it* Mr. Yuy?  
HEERO: Hn?  
LADY: This is a pretty basic form, it doesn't ask anything really outlandish...so could you tell me why you answered nearly every question with "Classified"?  
HEERO: *shrugs* You can't be too careful. How well-guarded is this facility? How can you be certain enemy agents aren't going through your files every night of the week?  
LADY: ...yes, but...your birthday? I could understand if we'd asked for a credit card number...  
HEERO: *moderate glare*  
LADY: Alright, moving on...Mr...Barton, is it?  
TROWA: ...  
LADY: What possessed you to write your name, cross it out, and rewrite it so many times? You must have scratched it out six, seven times, by the look of things.  
TROWA: ...I couldn't decide what to put down.  
QUATRE: It's alright, miss, I'll vouch for his identity...what was the last name he put down?  
LADY: Mr. Barton.  
QUATRE: *smiling* Oh, well, that's alright, then.  
WUFEI: *wobbles around on the chair with the uneven legs*  
LADY: Are you alright sitting on that old thing? Would you like me to find you something else?  
WUFEI: I'm not a weakling! It takes a powerful posture to sit on this wretched chair, and sit on it I will!  
DUO: *prods Wufei in the shoulder, whistling innocently*  
WUFEI: *falls over* ACKGH!  
  
LADY: If we could get started on the questionnaire, I have several things I'd like to ask each of you. These are highly scientific questions designed to gauge your compatibility with our other clients. Are you all ready?  
ALL: *nod*  
LADY: Right. *licks the end of her pencil* Do you stick stamps on envelopes right-side-up?  
HEERO: .....what!?  
QUATRE: Do you mean, is the stamp right side up, or is the envelope right side up?  
DUO: Stamps? Bah! Fold whatever it is into a paper airplane and just whip it across town, it's cheaper and it'll get there faster, guaranteed.  
WUFEI: *folds his arms* I don't have anyone to write to.  
TROWA: ...  
LADY: Uh-huh...we'll just put down "yes" for everyone, ok? Now, next question...do you put on both socks and then both shoes, or one sock and one shoe, and then the other sock and the other shoe?  
WUFEI: Socks and shoes are for the weak!  
QUATRE: Both socks, then both shoes, of course. Anything else would be silly.  
TROWA: *gives Quatre a hurt look* You said you thought it was cute that I put my shoes and socks on the other way!  
HEERO: This is ridiculous...  
QUATRE: Oh...*blushes*...well, it would look silly if I did it, but it looks fine on you, really!  
DUO: *flings one of his feet up on the desk* Boots. Doesn't count.  
LADY: What about the socks?  
DUO: Hilde confiscated all my socks...something about not letting me out of the house in "those threadbare rags"...I keep telling her, they're part of the outfit! These are my holy clothes, those are my holey socks! I NEED them!  
LADY: *pushes Duo's boot off the desk with a blank-but-annoyed look* Moving on...  
DUO: *boot accidentally hits the wobbly leg of Wufei's chair on the way down*  
WUFEI: *falls over again* Maxwell!  
DUO: *points at the questionnaire lady* SHE did it!  
LADY: How often do you wash your car/truck/van/motorcycle/other vehicle? Every day, whenever it needs it, only occasionally, or never?  
ALL: *look at each other, wondering if Gundams count as "vehicles", and shrug*  
LADY: Well, could you give me an estimate?  
QUATRE: I don't use water, so it might not count...I just fly--er, drive mine out into the desert and let the wind and the sand blast the dirt off.  
DUO: If I can't see myself, it's not shiny enough.  
HEERO: ...hardly seems worth washing it if I'm going to blow it up all the time, actually...  
WUFEI: *snorts* Women's work. I don't bother.  
TROWA: ...  
LADY: Uh-huh. Okay...if each of you ran a store in a shopping mall, what kind of store would it be?  
QUATRE: *perks up* Stores? Oh my goodness, what to choose...hmm...a music store? No, a tea room...No...  
HEERO: Hunting supplies.  
QUATRE: ...stuffed animals! With so many sisters I'd never go out of business! Oh wait, they'd all expect discounts...  
WUFEI: I believe I could be...content...with hunting supplies also.  
LADY: Please try to pick something else, I'm looking for individuality.  
QUATRE: ...a candy store! I love candy! Oh, I could have those pretty glass jars with gumdrops in them...  
WUFEI: *glares at Heero* Why did you have to take hunting supplies? You might have had the consideration to ask if I wanted hunting supplies...  
HEERO: First come, first served. Pick something else.  
DUO: Does it have to be a store? Couldn't I have a restaurant? Y'know, in the food court or something? I wouldn't eat the inventory, honest!  
QUATRE: ...or maybe office supplies, then I could give myself a discount! I work hard, I'm worth it!  
LADY: You can have a restaurant if you can decide on a specific type of food. This is supposed to be giving me a glimpse into your personalities, so make it good.  
TROWA: ...  
DUO: Just one kind of food? Can't I have an all-you-can-eat snorkleboard?  
HEERO: Smorgasbord.  
DUO: Are you sure?  
HEERO: Yes.  
WUFEI: I have decided, if I can't have hunting supplies, I will sell books. Very heavy books.  
TROWA: ...  
QUATRE: No, it's definitely going to be a candy store. *looks coyly at Trowa* I don't think I'm sweet enough. *smiles*  
TROWA: *blushes and smiles back* Then I'll be the dentist next door, I suppose. We'll certainly see a lot of each other...  
HEERO: *shifts in his chair uncomfortably*  
LADY: Are those your final answers?  
DUO: All you can eat! All you can eat! *waving hands in the air*  
LADY: Okay, okay...next question, if you were at a party, and someone you had no interest in was following you around, making unwelcome advances, how would you tell them to leave?  
DUO: *turns to Heero* What DID you say to Relena last time you saw her?  
HEERO: Nothing.  
DUO: Girls don't pass out, get put in an ambulance, wake up and start running around in little circles inside the ambulance screaming over nothing.  
QUATRE: Heero, that's cruel. *to the question lady* You should just look them straight in the eye and tell them the truth.  
TROWA: Nicely.  
DUO: That's right, nicely. And if they don't back off, then you go for your twelve-gauge, right?  
QUATRE: You shouldn't have to resort to shooting people to get them to leave.  
LADY: Of course not! That's absolutely horrid! How would you politely ask someone to leave you alone if you were unarmed?  
HEERO: Like this. *Deathglares*  
LADY: *shrinks back in her chair* Very...uh....effective. *swallows*  
WUFEI: *raises an eyebrow at Duo* Twelve-gauge?  
DUO: .....yeah.....*shrugs*......what?  
WUFEI: Nothing, Mr. Subtlety.  
DUO: Well, what would you recommend, a backfist to the nose?  
QUATRE: Could we stop talking about hitting people and shooting people? We're supposed to be here to get dates.  
DUO: *leans in front of Heero, making him squirm backwards in his chair* Don't you know, that's exactly how Wu-man gets dates! Ugh ugh, me caveman, you cave-onna! WHAM! *mimes hitting someone over the head with a club*  
WUFEI: *whacks Duo upside the head* Shut up, Maxwell.  
LADY: Gentlemen...  
HEERO: That's unlike you, Fei, hitting someone in anger. *raises an eyebrow*  
WUFEI: That wasn't anger, that was discipline.  
DUO: *rubbing the back of his head* That wasn't discipline, that was a cheap shot!  
LADY: This isn't an interview, it's a circus!  
TROWA: *snaps to attention* Say what?  
QUATRE: ...  
  
LADY: We're going to delve deeply into your romantic psyches now...  
WUFEI: Is this necessary?  
LADY: Yes.  
HEERO: *opens his mouth to utter a death threat*  
LADY: *points a finger in Heero's face* Don't even, spandex boy.  
HEERO: *looks surprised, and closes his mouth quickly*  
LADY: Now then, the next series of questions have to do with how you will relate to your potential date.  
QUATRE: *raises a hand* Excuse me...  
LADY: Yes?  
QUATRE: If two applicants look like they're perfect for each other, will those people automatically be paired off with one another?  
LADY: Well...I suppose it's possible...  
QUATRE: May I see Trowa's form for a moment, please?  
LADY: Ye--wha? No! Why?  
TROWA: You couldn't tell what perfect compatibility is from that thing...*swats a hand in the direction of the forms on the desk* ...if you're meant to be paired off with someone, it'll just happen.  
QUATRE: *flashes sparkly chibi eyes at Trowa* You really think so?  
HEERO: *scoots his chair away from Quatre about an inch* Could we get on with this? I might have half a dozen missions waiting for me and not know it.  
LADY: Alright, first question. What do you consider the three most important qualities in a mate?  
ALL: *sit thinking for awhile*  
QUATRE: Love of music...  
DUO: Good cook...  
QUATRE: Enjoys moonlit walks...  
WUFEI: A sense of justice.  
DUO: Sense of humour...  
QUATRE: ...er...I'm not sure what else...tall, maybe? *looks at Trowa again*  
HEERO: Fighting skill.  
TROWA: ...  
WUFEI: Fighting ski--that's the SECOND time today, Yuy! I'm going to get angry soon!  
HEERO: She never said you couldn't use the same ideas for this one.  
LADY: He's right, I didn't.  
QUATRE: Tall with green eyes. Is that one quality or two?  
WUFEI: Uhh...alright then...fighting skill!  
DUO: Must be deep. Must be very deep. Like, so deep you'd need climbing gear to get inside their head. *leans back in his chair and stares at the ceiling wistfully* Ohhhhh yeahhhhh....  
HEERO: Must be sane. *glares at Duo*  
WUFEI: An organized, logical mind that isn't prone to useless flights of fancy. There.  
DUO: *looks over at his Hee-chan and smiles*  
TROWA: A good listener.  
ALL: ..............*sweatdrop and look at Trowa*  
TROWA: What?  
DUO: That's gonna be one hell of a quiet household.  
TROWA: *rolleyes* I'm ALSO looking for sensitivity and kindess.  
DUO: *looks back and forth between Trowa and Quatre* ......uh-huh.  
HEERO: Must be someone OTHER than Relena.  
LADY: Who's that?  
HEERO: My next victim.  
  
LADY: *looks at the clock* Well, I'm obviously not going to make my 2:00 hairdressing appointment, so you fellas can have the rest of the afternoon with me to finish off your applications!  
ALL: *groan*  
LADY: *ignores that* Next question, what is your idea of the perfect Saturday night date?  
ALL: *look at each other nervously*  
QUATRE: ...uh...how about dinner and a movie?  
TROWA: I'll go for that.  
WUFEI: Me too.  
HEERO: And me.  
DUO: Guys, guys! Have you no romance in your souls? Dinner and movie, that's just so...so old! What about walking along a lake under the stars? What about going to a carnival and getting stuck at the top of the ferris wheel? What about...*frustrated*...what about running barefoot through a mossy forest and leaping into the hidden hot springs together, huh? What about THAT?  
ALL: ...  
QUATRE: How do you know you're going to get stuck at the top of the ferris wheel ahead of time?  
DUO: I know a guy who knows a guy. Let's leave it at that.  
WUFEI: We shouldn't be discussing such personal things in front of this onna. Just drop it.  
QUATRE: But you're not giving any thought to the OTHER people on the ferris wheel! What if they don't want to get stuck? What if someone has to go to the bathroom? You can't just sit up there and make everyone wait while you and your...*blushes*...well, you know...while you...*coughs*  
DUO: This is fun. I wanna hear you say it.  
QUATRE: I don't have to say it!  
HEERO: Hn. You've got our answers, let's just keep going.  
DUO: Not until you all try a little harder. That was a pathetic cop-out and you know it.  
TROWA: C'mon, Duo, there are just some things we don't feel comfortable talking about.  
QUATRE: Yeah.  
WUFEI: *glares at Trowa* This is not about being "comfortable," this is about what it appropriate conversation and what is not. To suggest that it's just us being shy is to suggest weakness!  
DUO: Fine. Be bland. I'll write you all some nice dirty postcards from the top of the ferris wheel.  
LADY: .........right. Moving right along, I have something I'd like you all to take a look at. *hands them each a printout* There are strong feelings withing the agency that sexual compatibility is essential to a happy relationship.  
ALL: ...  
LADY: My...so quiet all of a sudden...hm. So we have complied a list of "activities" and would be much obliged if you would each take a pencil and check the boxes next to the ones you would feel comfortable with.  
ALL: ...  
LADY: *shoves the mug full of neatly-sharpened pencils towards the edge of the desk and smiles*  
ALL: ...  
LADY: You're not getting out of here until you do.  
ALL: *grab a pencil*  
QUATRE: *reads the first half-dozen items out of nearly 200 and chokes with embarrassment*  
WUFEI: *reads a few lines, grabs a Kleenex off the desk and holds it to his nose, turning away from the others*  
TROWA: *reads and blushes*  
HEERO: *reads and just generally looks uncomfortable*  
DUO: *is happily checking off little boxes* Whoa, I gotta try THAT sometime...  
ALL: ........*look at Duo*  
DUO: *check*...and that...*check* ...that sounds wild! *check* ...eh, maybe I'll warm up to that...*check*  
QUATRE: *shows one of the items to Trowa with a puzzled look*  
TROWA: *reads the item, blushes, smiles, and whispers in Quatre's ear*  
QUATRE: *reddens* Ohhhhhhhhhhhh....  
WUFEI: This is absurd. I don't have to reveal these things to you, onna!  
HEERO: This is just the sort of thing I don't want falling into the hands of my enemies.  
LADY: That just means neither of you want to do it, right?  
HEERO & WUFEI: *sit there in a stoic silence*  
DUO: *grabs Heero's printout* Fine, I'll do yours. *starts checking boxes*  
HEERO: Baka! Give that back! *swipes at it*  
DUO: *avoids Heero's hands deftly* Oh ho! You're interested NOW, aren't you? *checks more boxes* Heero, you minx! I'll bet you never realized the sorts of things you'd do!  
HEERO: You can't put my name on that! It's fraud! I won't sign it!  
DUO: *forges the signature* ...Heero...Yuy...esquire. HA! It's yours now!  
HEERO: *tears it out of his hands* Baka...  
DUO: Aw, I can make it up to you! *points to an item on the list* You, me, and number twenty-three, how 'bout it? *smirks*  
WUFEI: *scoots his chair away from Duo* ... *falls over again* ACKGH!  
LADY: Are you all done checking the little boxes?  
TROWA & QUATRE: Yes, ma'am. *hand her two virtually identical sets of checkboxes*  
WUFEI: ...*growls*...injustice...*scribbles on some of the boxes and forks it over*  
DUO: *grabs Heero's and hands it in with his own* Can I get photocopies of these?  
LADY: *puts the printouts away and pulls out another set of printouts*  
ALL: ...  
LADY: This is the last test. Before I give you these papers, I want you to each think of your favourite colour.  
ALL: *think of their favourite colour*  
LADY: Alright, let's hear 'em. *points at them from left to right*  
TROWA: Green.  
QUATRE: ...uh...*looks at his clothes*...pink, I suppose.  
HEERO: I don't have a favourite colour.  
LADY: Oh, you must. Just pick something that fits your personality.  
HEERO: Gray.  
LADY: Gray isn't a colour.  
HEERO: *picks a colour at random off Wing's paint job* Red.  
DUO: Black!  
WUFEI: ...this is silly...*sighs*...blue, then.  
LADY: *hands them each a different slip of colour-coded paper with some printed text*  
TROWA: ...what's this?  
LADY: Your favourite colour says so much about you...people don't realize it's one of the strongest indicators of a person's sexual personality.  
ALL: *sweatdrop*  
TROWA: *reads his green paper* (inaudibly) "The lover of green is the gentlest of all, charming and loyal, with an air of innocence that comforts the most troubled soul, etc., etc..." ... *smiles* Mine's pretty good.  
QUATRE: *reads his pink paper* ...hey...HEY! This says I'm a tease! *to Trowa* I'm not, am I? *to questionnaire lady* I want a different colour! I don't want to be labelled a tease, it's just wrong!  
LADY: Well, what's your second choice, then?  
QUATRE: *looks at the rest of his clothes* How about purple?  
LADY: If you insist...but switching after reading the pink one might taint the results. *trades him a purple paper for the pink paper*  
WUFEI: *reads his blue paper* (inaudibly) "The lover of blue is highly attuned to one partner's needs, and fulfills them with the care and skill of a mastercraftsman. Blues are attentive, loving, sensual, trustworthy and often deserving of high praise for their mastery of the erotic arts. Anyone with a blue lover for a mate is a lucky person indeed." ...*eyebrows fly up*....I wonder what Sally's doing this weekend...  
QUATRE: *reads his new purple paper* Oh, NO! Now it says I'm stuffy and self-absorbed! Can I have something else, please? I'm not stuffy and self-absorbed!  
LADY: *sighs, shuts her eyes, picks a paper at random and hands it to him*  
HEERO: *reads his red paper* (inaudibly) "The lover of red is the physical embodiment of passion, and will not be satisfied until a huge mental library of places, positions, and fantasies has been exhausted. Reds are highly aggressive and dominating, and live to consume a weaker partner through the fire of their combined lusts." ......this can't be right at all.  
DUO: *reads his black paper with white print, chuckling evilly* Eh? What's yours say, Hee-chan?  
HEERO: *holds it far away from Duo* Never you mind. Whatever it says, it's wrong. *blushing*  
QUATRE: *reads his white paper, then hands it to Trowa with a questioning look*  
TROWA: *takes it and reads it*  
DUO: C'mon, lemmie see! Working so closely together, we shouldn't have any secrets... *smirks and grabs at the paper*  
HEERO: No.  
TROWA: You may be my angel, but you're not THIS saintly. *with a knowing smile*  
QUATRE: *smiles back* Maybe I'll just take the best parts of each colour.  
DUO: Gimmie gimmie gimmie! *yanks on Heero's arm*  
HEERO: ......FINE. HERE. *hands it to him*  
DUO: *reads the red paper and drools over it* Whaddaya mean, it's wrong? It sounds perfect!  
HEERO: It's not me. *blushing*  
DUO: Do I have to tell this nice lady about that week in Las Vegas?  
HEERO: ...  
DUO: I knew you'd see it my way.  
HEERO: ...so what was yours?  
DUO: Black? Oh... *smiles*...twisted, dangerous...sado-masochism...handcuffs...y'know, all that fun stuff. *folds his black paper in half and tucks it into the waistband of Heero's shorts*  
HEERO: ...*looks at Duo's "innocent" smile and feels a similar one creep across his own face*....baka.  
DUO: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me!  
ALL BUT HEERO: *sweatdrop*  
WUFEI: *scoots his chair away from Duo's and succeeds in not falling over, holding the Kleenex to his nose*  
LADY: *scoops up their application forms and stacks them neatly on the corner of her desk* Well, I think I have all the information I need. I'll have these processed first thing Monday morning and we'll see what happens! *smiles*  
ALL: *seem to be off in their own little worlds*  
LADY: *coughs* You may go now.  
TROWA & QUATRE: *get up from their chairs, thank the nice lady, and leave arm in arm*  
WUFEI: *bows to the insufferably pushy onna and goes across the hall to call Sally from the lobby*  
HEERO: *gets up, says goodbye as politely as he can, and turns to go*  
DUO: *slaps Heero on the rear, making him yelp* See ya later, question lady! *exits, hanging on Heero's arm*  
LADY: Such nice boys...I hope they all find what they're looking for in life...*gets up, and picking her briefcase up off the desk, inadvertently knocks all their dating service applications into the trash can*  
  
~owari~  
  
=^_^= All that work down the drain...*giggles*...but we know it's for the best, don't we?  
  
Wow, my second piece of writing in as many weeks...only this one I whipped off in one night, whereas my first fic took days and days...(you'll give it a look-see, won't you? =^_~= hehehe) I only proof-read it once, too. Hope you enjoyed it! Ja ne! 


End file.
